At the restaurant we took my mom to on Mother's Day, they gave all the mom's roses. At first the waiter didn't give me one and I will admit that it made me sad. I really wanted a pretty rose of course, but mostly because I am not a mom. We have been trying to get pregnant since January but haven't had any luck yet. I know that is only 5 months (but I have not been on birth control for almost 2 years) and it can take years for some people to get pregnant, but I have this deep down feeling that we won't be able to no matter how long we try.
At dinner last night with some girlfriends, we got on the subject of having babies. All of them have children. Some of them are done and some are still planning on having another soon. Then they asked me if we were going to have any babies. I told them we were trying now and then I broke down crying after telling them that I didn't think it would happen for us. I have never cried about it before because I try not to think about it too much. I don't know what came over me I just got really emotional about it. I know that God only gives you what you can handle, so maybe He knows that we can't handle a baby at this particular moment. I hope that is all it is. We can't afford to do anything special-no fertility treatments, no surrogates, no donors, no adoptions. We may not ever need any of these things, but if we did, we wouldn't be able to anyway.
The point of this post is not to feel sorry for myself. I think I just needed to let it out, that I am worried and unsure. I have been keeping that doubt bottled up inside and I think that is why I broke down. Maybe by posting this, some of you can give me advice, share your own stories or offer words of encouragement and prayers. I have always wanted to be a mom, to carry a baby inside of me, feel it growing and moving. I have always wanted to give birth to a human life created by me and my husband. And as that baby grows I want to be able to say, "he looks just like you" or "she has your eyes". I hope that I do get to experience all of that just as I have always dreamed of.